No matter how much I may pray before I slip out of bed that I will be calm and happy and will show my kids love and a sense of humor, it never ceases to amaze me how quickly those early resolutions disintegrate with the reality of a world with selfish little people running around. It could be the infant crying from colic, my three year old son wanting to jump on me when I'm barely awake, or my 15 month daughter whining for an object that is out of her reach. Then they all want my attention and love and I'm just not in the mood to deal with the tears and the immaturity. Then I feel ashamed because, after all, they are only small children who have limited ways of communicating, much less exhibiting self control.
I then think about my own selfish cries for doing things my way. I want to be able to read in peace or go to a movie on my time or travel more but I can't - not at this stage of life. I know I am blessed but it still has its difficult moments, no matter how strong my resolve is. I imagine I will continue to fight these tensions until I die. As my inner spirit clashes with my desires which in turn clashes with the desires of my family, I hope I learn the meaning of consistent compromise that comes from love. I know I need to be willing to give up some of my pleasure - at least for the time being - in the interest of harmony and showing love and grace to my kids who are learning to grow up by watching me and the ways I sacrifice daily.
There were moments today when I sensed I had figured out a rhythm to my chaotic life and those moments felt really good. It was almost a surreal quality. I felt alive! These moments help me muddle my way through my own hypocrisy and force me to cling to moments of grace as assurance of hope that all will one day be right and my fears and insecurities that come from the daunting task of parenthood will subside.
Until then, I need to grit my teeth and smile and wait.
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