Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Getting Started
For some reason, I have had difficulty emerging from the haze of the end of summer and digging into the preparations of a new semester. Sure, my syllabi are in order and I have a good idea where I am headed - BUT I don't have the desire to attend to so much minutia that clutters these beginning. So many meetings and proposals and emails... I know they're a necessary part of this job but they make me weary and lacking imagination. My big question this semester will be: How can I maintain balance in my life. I feel my students' anxiety as they question how THEY can manage all that's expected of them. I ask the same question of myself. Perhaps I need to say "No" more frequently or find creative outlets for my stress. I am fortunate to be surrounded by interesting and challenging friends and colleagues and that I enjoy my "work". I just don't think I should be THIS weary at this early stage of the semester. Should I?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Week of the Surreal
It's a week before school starts and I am having trouble focusing. My syllabi are still works in progress, I am helping three friends move, and time with my family is energy-sapping albeit fun. More importantly, I am remembering my mother and father who passed away this week, my mom a year ago and my father four years ago.
I visited their grave with flowers today and said a prayer for our family who has gone through hell this year without them. I can only imagine how their presence would have made a difference as they learned about my brother's indiscretions which led to his arrest or my other brother's pride which kept him from talking to me or the arrival of my third child, another daughter. I can only imagine and I pray. I pray for peace and wisdom. I pray for comfort and strength.
I know in this fabric of life the stains are reminders of our broken world and give hope for healing and wholeness.
Until then, I wait and pray.
I visited their grave with flowers today and said a prayer for our family who has gone through hell this year without them. I can only imagine how their presence would have made a difference as they learned about my brother's indiscretions which led to his arrest or my other brother's pride which kept him from talking to me or the arrival of my third child, another daughter. I can only imagine and I pray. I pray for peace and wisdom. I pray for comfort and strength.
I know in this fabric of life the stains are reminders of our broken world and give hope for healing and wholeness.
Until then, I wait and pray.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Dad Duty
In just a few short hours I will accompany five other dads and their toddlers on a train to Philly for a day at the Please Touch Museum. I know it's madness but it's just one of the many things we do for our kids. In one sense, it's nice to be able to do these crazy things with a community of guys who, though they are at least a decade younger than me, because of our shared state in life, we forge a unique bond.
No one said parenting would be easy but these moments when I get the chance to step back in time and enter into the world of my children are priceless. I am more aware than ever of my son's developing language and personality and I want to do what I can to fill his life with moments of wonder and inquiry. I want him to discover how big and wonderful his world is and encourage him to learn as much as he can about it.
Last year when we went with Janet's family, I was amazed at all that he could do even then in this museum and was looking forward to the time when we could take trips like this both as a way to bond and as a way to learn about the world around us.
Life is fleeting and, as so many of my friends have reminded me, these moments spent in quality time with our children will be gone before we know it. I want to be a parent who capitalizes on the opportunities to have fun with with my child and to give Janet a much needed break! Who needs to sleep anyway?
No one said parenting would be easy but these moments when I get the chance to step back in time and enter into the world of my children are priceless. I am more aware than ever of my son's developing language and personality and I want to do what I can to fill his life with moments of wonder and inquiry. I want him to discover how big and wonderful his world is and encourage him to learn as much as he can about it.
Last year when we went with Janet's family, I was amazed at all that he could do even then in this museum and was looking forward to the time when we could take trips like this both as a way to bond and as a way to learn about the world around us.
Life is fleeting and, as so many of my friends have reminded me, these moments spent in quality time with our children will be gone before we know it. I want to be a parent who capitalizes on the opportunities to have fun with with my child and to give Janet a much needed break! Who needs to sleep anyway?
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Morning Chaos!
No matter how much I may pray before I slip out of bed that I will be calm and happy and will show my kids love and a sense of humor, it never ceases to amaze me how quickly those early resolutions disintegrate with the reality of a world with selfish little people running around. It could be the infant crying from colic, my three year old son wanting to jump on me when I'm barely awake, or my 15 month daughter whining for an object that is out of her reach. Then they all want my attention and love and I'm just not in the mood to deal with the tears and the immaturity. Then I feel ashamed because, after all, they are only small children who have limited ways of communicating, much less exhibiting self control.
I then think about my own selfish cries for doing things my way. I want to be able to read in peace or go to a movie on my time or travel more but I can't - not at this stage of life. I know I am blessed but it still has its difficult moments, no matter how strong my resolve is. I imagine I will continue to fight these tensions until I die. As my inner spirit clashes with my desires which in turn clashes with the desires of my family, I hope I learn the meaning of consistent compromise that comes from love. I know I need to be willing to give up some of my pleasure - at least for the time being - in the interest of harmony and showing love and grace to my kids who are learning to grow up by watching me and the ways I sacrifice daily.
There were moments today when I sensed I had figured out a rhythm to my chaotic life and those moments felt really good. It was almost a surreal quality. I felt alive! These moments help me muddle my way through my own hypocrisy and force me to cling to moments of grace as assurance of hope that all will one day be right and my fears and insecurities that come from the daunting task of parenthood will subside.
Until then, I need to grit my teeth and smile and wait.
I then think about my own selfish cries for doing things my way. I want to be able to read in peace or go to a movie on my time or travel more but I can't - not at this stage of life. I know I am blessed but it still has its difficult moments, no matter how strong my resolve is. I imagine I will continue to fight these tensions until I die. As my inner spirit clashes with my desires which in turn clashes with the desires of my family, I hope I learn the meaning of consistent compromise that comes from love. I know I need to be willing to give up some of my pleasure - at least for the time being - in the interest of harmony and showing love and grace to my kids who are learning to grow up by watching me and the ways I sacrifice daily.
There were moments today when I sensed I had figured out a rhythm to my chaotic life and those moments felt really good. It was almost a surreal quality. I felt alive! These moments help me muddle my way through my own hypocrisy and force me to cling to moments of grace as assurance of hope that all will one day be right and my fears and insecurities that come from the daunting task of parenthood will subside.
Until then, I need to grit my teeth and smile and wait.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Summer Daze
Today as I wandered around Dutch Wonderland Park with my young kids, I couldn't help but wonder what happened to my summer and how do other parents of young children do it. How do they manage to parent in a respectable way and still have some semblance of sanity and "a life".
I wondered this as I watched parents of all shapes and sizes banter and play with their kids in the spurting water. Most seemed calm and relaxed and many looked proud of their kids as they steadied them on plastic whales for photo shoots and lots of failed attempts at a dignified pose.
If I looked really close, I might see the traces of weariness mingled with the fun of the moment. I think I saw this because, in my reflection, I saw it in myself.
One of the reasons why I am willing to drive to the other side of town in 90 degree heat even though I am exhausted is because I want my children to first of all, have many important experiences in their youth - experiences that will shape them and help them understand themselves and their world more clearly. I thought about this as I watched my three-year-old son become more bold in his play in the water and as I had to keep a watchful eye on my energetic 15 month old daughter who is fearless and who plunges into life with exuberance. I want them both to understand the dangers of life without risk.
This brings me to my second desire for my kids. I want to model for them the important ways we interact with our world and,especially with our families. I want to help them become bold and thoughtful, caring and responsible. As I see a wide range of humanity trying to answer the same questions that I pose to myself, I realize I am not alone in this quest for purpose and responsibility and that gives me hope. So, even when I am weary, I know this is important and it has been done countless times by millions of people for generations. Sometimes we fail miserably but we pick ourselves up and keep on going. Sometimes when our children do or say something truly remarkable, we can take a step backwards and remember those moments and the ways they help us know that what we are doing is important and meaningful.
I wondered this as I watched parents of all shapes and sizes banter and play with their kids in the spurting water. Most seemed calm and relaxed and many looked proud of their kids as they steadied them on plastic whales for photo shoots and lots of failed attempts at a dignified pose.
If I looked really close, I might see the traces of weariness mingled with the fun of the moment. I think I saw this because, in my reflection, I saw it in myself.
One of the reasons why I am willing to drive to the other side of town in 90 degree heat even though I am exhausted is because I want my children to first of all, have many important experiences in their youth - experiences that will shape them and help them understand themselves and their world more clearly. I thought about this as I watched my three-year-old son become more bold in his play in the water and as I had to keep a watchful eye on my energetic 15 month old daughter who is fearless and who plunges into life with exuberance. I want them both to understand the dangers of life without risk.
This brings me to my second desire for my kids. I want to model for them the important ways we interact with our world and,especially with our families. I want to help them become bold and thoughtful, caring and responsible. As I see a wide range of humanity trying to answer the same questions that I pose to myself, I realize I am not alone in this quest for purpose and responsibility and that gives me hope. So, even when I am weary, I know this is important and it has been done countless times by millions of people for generations. Sometimes we fail miserably but we pick ourselves up and keep on going. Sometimes when our children do or say something truly remarkable, we can take a step backwards and remember those moments and the ways they help us know that what we are doing is important and meaningful.
Friday, July 22, 2011
My Cancer Year
Yesterday I learned I have cancer - more specifically, basal carcinoma - a common skin cancer with fairly straightforward treatment. It came about when I was walking with my son on my shoulders about 18 months ago. He grabbed my forehead in a playful way and drew blood and since then it hasn't fully healed. My doctors have started asking questions and their worries turned out to be true.
Janet has not responded well. She tears up every time I mention it and I understand why. We have had a dreadful year full of pain in our family and then add to the fact that my birth mother died of skin cancer when I was young and those fears are well founded.
When life hits you hard in the groin, you may get up but you hobble, nonetheless. I guess that's the nature of life - unpredictable and messy.
In the midst of this craziness, God has blessed us with three beautiful children - one who is just 7 weeks old. Taking care of these gifts is what keeps me going in times like these. Knowing I have kids who depend on me for their livelihood and who unequivocally love me - at least for now helps me cope.
Like many people who have gone before me, I will go on and find beauty and strength in uncommon things: a child's giggles, a flourishing garden, a belly laugh with good friends at a pub or cafe, fresh produce, and relaxing music. I can look back on my life and remember the many wonderful occasions that shaped me. I can have courage that even in the midst of chaos and confusion, every day beauty can emerge and refresh my soul.
Janet has not responded well. She tears up every time I mention it and I understand why. We have had a dreadful year full of pain in our family and then add to the fact that my birth mother died of skin cancer when I was young and those fears are well founded.
When life hits you hard in the groin, you may get up but you hobble, nonetheless. I guess that's the nature of life - unpredictable and messy.
In the midst of this craziness, God has blessed us with three beautiful children - one who is just 7 weeks old. Taking care of these gifts is what keeps me going in times like these. Knowing I have kids who depend on me for their livelihood and who unequivocally love me - at least for now helps me cope.
Like many people who have gone before me, I will go on and find beauty and strength in uncommon things: a child's giggles, a flourishing garden, a belly laugh with good friends at a pub or cafe, fresh produce, and relaxing music. I can look back on my life and remember the many wonderful occasions that shaped me. I can have courage that even in the midst of chaos and confusion, every day beauty can emerge and refresh my soul.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Flow
Go with the flow! As a father of three young children who is also teaching two new graduate courses and trying to have some semblance of sanity, that adage is more true than ever. There are days when it is just enough to have survived it with my wits intact for it be a success. I am learning that being a parent means that I need to give up so much of my personal time and space so that there are times when I wonder who I really am.
When I am in the midst of chasing after my three year old son who has hit his sister yet one more time or am changing another rank nappy, I sometime feel I am really in a rhythm, a flow if you will where I just hunker down and do what I need to do in order get me and my family out the other end of sanity.
In the midst of it all, I do love it. I know this is where I am and where I need to be. I love that I straddle two worlds that involve nurture. In my one world I am nurturing young children as they develop language and social skills. In my other world I am nurturing new teachers who are learning about their own learning which in turn helps them develop the learning of the adolescents who will be under their care. Both are daunting tasks which require patience and a sense of humor.
When I find the time to reflect on my current lot in life, I realize that not only am I in the flow but I also have found life's meaning: giving to those who are vulnerable and not yet independent in the hope that they will one day sprout wings and fly!
When I am in the midst of chasing after my three year old son who has hit his sister yet one more time or am changing another rank nappy, I sometime feel I am really in a rhythm, a flow if you will where I just hunker down and do what I need to do in order get me and my family out the other end of sanity.
In the midst of it all, I do love it. I know this is where I am and where I need to be. I love that I straddle two worlds that involve nurture. In my one world I am nurturing young children as they develop language and social skills. In my other world I am nurturing new teachers who are learning about their own learning which in turn helps them develop the learning of the adolescents who will be under their care. Both are daunting tasks which require patience and a sense of humor.
When I find the time to reflect on my current lot in life, I realize that not only am I in the flow but I also have found life's meaning: giving to those who are vulnerable and not yet independent in the hope that they will one day sprout wings and fly!
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